Sunday, February 23, 2014

Neil has come up with a set of rules for car shows that is funny and spot on

New Rules that Car Shows Should Adopt

 Car shows are like anything else. They are run by a very small group of people with little influence from the outside world with a bunch of participants who don’t have the backbone to speak up for common sense. The result is predictable - insanity.

 If I could be the dictator of this country, in just a few short years, I could have everything straightened out. I don’t think that is going to happen anytime soon so maybe I should start out small.

 Let me be the judge at car shows. There would be a new sheriff in town, with a whole new set of rules, like these:
 Any car that had a sign saying anything remotely like “Don’t Touch” or “Hands Off” would be immediately disqualified from winning anything in any category. What? Your car is so fragile that it can’t handle being touched? Then what good is it? Leave it at home, or sell it to a museum.

Any car that was hauled in on a truck or trailer, will automatically finish below any that are driven to the show.

 Anyone seriously trying to win anything should have current license plates for their vehicle.

Any car that does not have the ground clearance to make it over a speed bump, enter a normal driveway, or cross a set of railroad tracks will be penalized points, unless, the owner doesn’t give a shit and just gives it hell and bottoms out when meeting such obstructions. Points will be added for that.

 There are already more than enough bone stock Tri 5 Chevys, Classic Mustangs, classic T-Birds and Corvettes in the world. If you have one of these, feel free to show it, but don’t count on winning anything.

Anything that irritates purists will be given additional bonus points. This includes Chevy motors in non-Chevy cars. Non-Chevy motors in Chevys are even better because that is less common. You gotta love a big block Chevy in a GTO, but a Corvette with a Ford engine would almost certainly earn best of show. I don’t care what it rolled off the assembly line with, a V8 always beats a six, (Unless the six has been heavily modified, that’s cool), and a big block always beats a small block.

 Anyone caught displaying these faggy dolls, will not only be immediately disqualified, they will be asked to leave.

 With trucks, four wheel drive always beats two wheel drive, especially if a particular truck was never offered from the factory with four wheel drive.

17” maximum wheel diameters, unless the vehicle was originally available with larger diameter wheels.

Vehicle modifications that can be easily reversed are generally positives, (engine, tranny swaps, and rear end swaps, even throwing an old truck body on a 4x4 chassis.) ones that can’t and will probably leave the vehicle in a permanently altered state (e.g. wheel tubbing, unless the car is a true race car) are generally negatives. Unless it’s a Tri-5 Chevy, classic Mustang, classic T-Bird, or Corvette. There’s plenty of them. Go ahead and butcher them. Plus it makes the purists mad, and that’s always a good thing.

Door handles are good things. Factory rain gutters are good, (Lead sleds will be exempted from this.)

Owners caught cleaning their cars will lose points. You should have cleaned it before you brought it, and if you did, trust me, it’s clean enough. I can see through a day’s worth of dust. You’re there to have fun. Go buy a Coke and some popcorn, maybe a Big Bar, if you’re in Wisconsin, and go check out what other people brought. Maybe, go check out the swap meet. Don’t worry, your car will be fine, I won’t touch it, unless you got some gay sign saying “Don’t Touch”.

Dual exhaust always beats single exhaust, especially on vehicles that were not originally available with dual exhaust, like straight four and six cars, and wagons. Side pipes trump everything, unless they are not functional, in which case they are a negative.

 Fake stuff, and non-functional stuff is frowned upon. Rat Rods with fake tri-power setups are exempt.

Better is better. Front disc brakes always beat front drum brakes, dual pot master cylinders always beat single pot master cylinders. 12 volts always beats 6 volts. Loud is good. Sweet sounding and loud is better.

Modified weird motors are good. Let’s see how much power someone can get out of a Studebaker or International truck engine. Lotsa motor always beats lotsa paint. I’d rather see a big block Nova with a few rust holes and the paint burned off the roof, hood, and trunk, than a perfect body and a weak motor.

 I’ve never seen a custom interior that looks better than a stock interior.

I’ve seldom seen a custom paint job that looks better than a factory appearing paint job.

Vinyl graphics suck unless they were a factory option.

Manual transmissions always beat automatics. The more speeds, the better.

 No sports cars with automatics will be considered as being worthy of winning any of the top three positions in any category, even if they are the only cars in a particular category.