I should start by saying that if you are looking for a “Pajama party Barbie Buick” you my friend, should keep looking. If you are looking for a short description of to the beast before you, I can offer you two words “MEAT & POTATOES”. This is the All American chariot of the free world.
You are not dealing with any ordinary, cookie cutter Buick son. This thing was forged from a single block of all American Tungsten Steel. Real sturdy! From that day forward my life has never been the same. Winch yourself off that couch and see if you can handle this Buick Roadmaster.
So if you are looking for a rice burning hatch back, a solar powered liberal mobile, or even a Hyundai crossover keep on looking my friend this thing is a piece of red white and blue Americana Machinery.
This baby’s pulse is pumping 5.7 liters of uncensored raw fuel through her V8 nuclear power plant. And rest assured this is no metro feminine automatic. . .you command her to obey, with your calloused hand planted firmly on the shifter. And she will obey, the first time, every time. If you can’t handle the shifter, or reach the break pedal, you better not ferry skip over here wanting to test drive her. If you hurt her, you can count on getting hit in the face with a piece of re-bar and sent back where you came from.
It has amazing A/C but are you kidding me. . ..Really! If you want to blow the sweat off your brow, you do it the old fashioned way: windows down. “What if it rains?”. . .You whiney bitch! I told you to stop reading. . . Any man who drives this beast doesn’t give a damn about rain. Not even skin melting acid rain, Cause he’s already dripping wet in blood, sweat, dip spit, and fish guts. But yes the A/C works.
If you are looking for the kind of Buick that has to be pansy parked in the garage, so the “carpet doesn’t get dirty” Then you should plant your Obama sticker on some Japanese piece of shit. Cause this thing has floor mats to let the blood drain onto from the buffalo you just killed and slapped on the roof, with your bare hands. Because you are William Wallace from Braveheart and when you get home you can leave your “sissy sponge glove car wash kit” in the pink bucket it came in. Go ahead and spark up your 6000 psi heated pressure washer on the dually trailer in your man cave, cause you are Tim Taylor and you can pressure wash your truck.
If you’re thinking about Mexican chrome bumpers for her, think again. The bumper bashers come hand forged in a blacksmith shop in Franklin County over a wood burnin fire, out of 4 inch well casing, and railroad tracks and then I welded em to the damn chassis. That way if you get deployed you can piggy back this war wagon on a deuce and a half and chain her down tight from the four corners, so you don’t lose her when your convoy gets hit by a taliband roadside suicide bomber.
And forget about putting one of those “It’s a Wagon Thing. . .You wouldn’t understand” stickers on this machine cause when you’re spotted in this American Classic there will be no questions, no further explanation required, people will understand and get out of your way. . . . .real quick.
If you think you’re ready to park this panty hauler on your tract of land, you better go get your old lady ready for some damn changes around your lair, cause this shit will be happening. What will be Happening? Glad you asked. . ..
1. More chest hair.
2. You’re growing a beard.
3. Meat Only Diet.
4. T-Rex for a pet.
5. You’re taking a job at the lumber mill.
6. Your car carries ten kegs.
7. Digging holes.
8. Catch more fish.
9. Wire bristled toothbrush.
10. Sex in the yard.
11. Sex in the garage.
12. All male offspring.
13. Chiseled jaw line.
14. Not giving a damn.
15. Flesh turning to steel.
16. Higher salary
18. Better looking wives.
19. Better looking mistresses.
20. More golfing
21. More killing stuff.
22. More dead animals in the KITCHEN freezer.
23. More tools in your garage.
24. Bigger TV
25. Wife takes out the trash
26. Two Wheel Drive
27. Wife brings trash can in from road.
28. Wife stops bitching about clothes on floor.
29. Wife stocks fridge with beer.
30. Chuck Norris.
31. John McCain
32. Steaks for dinner.
33. Winning the Lottery.
34. Women on the side.
35. Wrestling with boa
36. Building shit out of stone.
37. Riding Lawn Mower.
38. Bon Fires in cul-de-sac.
39. Bar Fights.
40. Wife picks you up from Thee Gentlemen’s Club.
41. Craftsman Tools.
42. Jay Bisset.
43. Welding stuff.
Put your GPS back in your purse.
Sounds good doesn’t it?
This Buick has carried me through 170,000 miles of battlefield twice as gruesome as the second half of the movie “300″. . ..And just like a trusty steed this juggernaut has never left me stranded. If you think you’ve worn her out you drag this beast back to me in any condition. And Ill handle the rest.
But if you think you’re going to get to whip this mule you better pony up $3000. . .American Cash. I’m not selling you this car unless you are clearly a pure blooded American Just kidding I'll sell it to anyone, so don’t even think about it not calling.
Yes this battle wagon is for sale hope you had fun reading this, I’M not Racist i just had lots of time on my hands to write the ad. Please call and ask for Zane
Found on http://bangshift.com/blog/craigslist-ad-greatness-best-buick-roadmaster-ad-ever-promises-more-sex-more-beer-more-hair-and-more.html