Thursday, February 6, 2014

Generic used car sales pitch for Craiglist

-I am the 14th owner, not really but I don’t know. First owner barely got it dirty and engaged the warp drive once.
-I have remedied this excessive caretaking with long roads and a pile of fun.
-The motor uses a little oil. How much? I don’t know, I’m not collecting statistical analysis points. I check the oil, I fill the oil, I drive. Not enough to bother me.
 -It leaks a little oil. How much? Not enough for me to care. It has a gazillion miles, Poindexter! If you have a vehicle with 220K NOT leaking or burning oil, it’s empty!
 -The little (insert engine size) starts and runs like the proverbial champ. I haven’t upgraded because I had plans: Had planned a big block, posi, bug catcher etc etc. Life got in the way – it ain’t happening. -The stickers on the right rear window stay. My daughter’s idea, take it up with her.
 -(insert aftermarket performance parts company name) stickers stays as well. They are awesome, so there.

-Why are you selling? I can’t justify owning it anymore. Motorsickles, kiddos, work, travel, and beer have consumed my time and money. Someone else needs to appreciate the (insert car model name) for what it is: awesome mechanical artistry.
-What’s wrong with it? Small oil leaks. Cosmetic issues. And it’s pissed it has been neglected and parked. It needs rescued.
 -Will you sell me the [engine / tranny / rear door / axle / etc.]? No. I’m not in the salvage business. Buy the car. Love the car. Give the stang a home.
 -Will you take [insert ridiculously stupid low number here]? No. If I wanted [ridiculously low number] I would have asked [ridiculously low number] Want a cheap car? Get your kid that lowered tuner piece of stuff honda project down the road. I think I’m plenty cheap for this bad mofo.
 -Why is it not stock? Because I bought it for a daily driver with the intention of turning it into a fire breathing street machine. I haven’t had the time to do so. So I am selling it.
 -Can I put a 6″ lift and giant tires on it? I don’t care. But be sure to use quality components and for God’s sake – get it aligned after.
 -Would this make a good car for my daughter? Hell. Yes. Not only a good car, a learning experience. Introduction to vehicular maintenance.
 -Can you deliver? Within reason. I’d drive it a 10 miles or so. But really, you should come get it. Look it over. Have a beer. Etc.
 -Will you take a check / cashier’s check / Western Union Transfer / Nigerian Promissory Note? Would you take a ball peen hammer to the forehead? No. I’ll take Cash. Period. Bring cash or don’t show.
 -Will you ship to -? No. See above.
 -No, really, all I have is [lowball dollar amount]? That’s great, I don’t care. Unicef ain’t running this deal, and until they do I want $7000. Why? Because I don’t HAVE to sell this little beauty. Truth be known, I’d rather keep it.
But if it’s going to a good home – I will sell. Unless you’re mean – then no sale.

Adapted from a often used Craiglist ad that has sold Chevys, Fords, etc etc from Montana to South Carolina found on